"Unable to... die...?"
Facing me, who was dumbfounded, Thomas nodded quietly.
"Yeah. We FabLs, from the moment we become one, we never age no matter how much time passes, and there are no major changes in our bodies. Also, no matter what happens, we never absolutely die."
"That's, ridiculous... Impossible..."
Because, actually I am breathing right now. I get hungry if I don't eat. If I put my hand on my chest, my heart is beating too.
That means I'm doing life activities. It means I'm carving life. Then, isn't it natural to age and die someday!? Besides, even without aging, isn't it natural to die if this heart stops!?
That, I can't die... Humans seeking immortality would cry with joy, but for me, it was nothing but horrifying.
"'Impossible' doesn't apply once you become a FabL. Didn't you think it was strange?"
"What, do you mean?"
"For example, Will. He looks like a boy. But do you really think he's in his teens or thereabouts!?"
"Certainly... I don't think so, but..."
"Right!"
Certainly, he spoke as if he had been traveling through other worlds for a long time, and actually seemed like that. Although he looks not much different from me, he must have lived far longer. But isn't that because he is special!? Yes, like Inea-sensei being a long-lived species, or due to his special power!?
I'm different. I'm just an ordinary human who got a slightly weird ability. I should be able to die normally...! But such clinging thoughts are denied by his words.
"But that's not because he is special. All FabLs maintain the body at the time they became one. Moreover, they can't die. You are no exception."
"No, but..."
I will remain in this 16-year-old body forever. Cannot die?
I didn't want to admit that fact no matter what. I didn't want to accept it. Is there no loophole? Something that makes me think I'm not like that.
—That's right. That's it! Thinking desperately, I arrived at the last hope.
"Because I almost died before! I couldn't eat anything for days and almost died! I can't think that sensation was a lie!"
If I hadn't been saved by Alice back then, I definitely would have died. Then, I can die. Surely. See? I am an ordinary human after all!
But he wasn't surprised at all.
"Right... My way of saying it was misleading."
"Misleading...?"
"To be precise, you do die. By injury or illness, or starvation as you say. Depending on how you die, it's painful, and you can even taste the unique sensation of dying."
"Eh..."
Wait. That way of saying it is as if... The bad premonition returns exactly as his words.
"But, that's a temporary death. Even if you die, you just die in that world. You revive in the next world. As if nothing happened."
It was further despair. Which means I can't even commit suicide. I started feeling dizzy.
"Why, such a thing..."
"Who knows. I don't know well either. But I suspect that our FabL journey might have some big role for this universe."
"Role..."
"Yeah. So that we can travel properly, we are kept alive by something. We call that something the Star-Pulse, named after the place where stars seem to flow when crossing worlds."
Star-Pulse—. I feel like he also said that word just once. While almost crying to Thomas, I stopped just in time and asked.
"Is there no way to escape from the journey somehow...?"
He naturally shook his head regretfully. I was completely dismayed. I knew it in my head. If there was such a way, he would have done it long ago. But I couldn't help but ask.
"Can't help it. I didn't want to admit this fate at first either. So I tried various things, but they were all useless."
He sighs heavily and continues.
"For example, I thought if I let my mind go crazy completely, it would be the same as dying and I'd be at ease, so I tried it, but it was useless. As a serious obstacle to the journey, or rather, the Star-Pulse-sama doesn't seem to forgive such cheating. Crossing worlds, somehow I'm back to normal. I can't even go crazy."
After a short silence, to me who couldn't say anything due to shock, he said this heartily.
"If you live too long. Everyone, their mind breaks somewhere. It wears out. Can't endure it. It means human minds are not made to spend too long a life. How about it. Even this me is a little weird, right? I have self-awareness."
Strange attire, or being overly manic. Indeed, he might be a little weird. Thinking back, Ena also seemed a little strange. That guy goes without saying. Lenks... he was quite abnormal in how he obsessed over me.
Everyone holds darkness in their hearts respectively. And I too, from now on—.
『Yu. I want to see you break. I want to see you wear out.』
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I remembered his words again. He knew that I would wear out my heart in the endless journey and break someday. That's why he said such a thing... To me who closed my mouth more and more, he continued regardless.
"But, regarding this, Star-Pulse-sama won't cure it. Probably because it's a change due to a normal process. We have no choice but to wander this universe forever while being weird somewhere. For eternity."
For eternity.
Hearing that far, I finally understood the fate of FabL. No matter how strong power I got. It doesn't balance with such a cruel fate at all.
Because. Waiting is only despair, isn't it...
From now on, thousands of years, tens of thousands of years. No, if the journey continues even more. During that time, I continue to be swept away to unknown worlds endlessly. No matter what the content was, I must be exhausted. I wasn't confident I could remain a decent human being. Someday I will definitely break. Unavoidable bad end. No. Still, the journey doesn't end. Someone said life is suffering, but it's true. Endless life is nothing but hell.
I collapsed on the spot.
Will... that bastard... what have you done to me...
Why did you make me a FabL earlier than planned! No matter how much I regret, it was too late. The journey has already begun.
Damn it! Damn it!
I punched the hard ground again and again. Even if the skin of my hand peels off and blood oozes. Again and again. Frustrated. Hating fate. Tears flowed from despair.
If I knew it would become like this. I wouldn't have chosen to live. At that time, I should have died. I should have been killed by Ena!
To me hanging my head and sobbing, Thomas called out bluntly.
"Shall I guess what you're thinking. You're thinking you should have died before becoming a FabL, right?"
I raised my face and glared at him. Even though the one to hate is not him.
"Ah, that's right. Exactly...!"
"Ena is the same. Always resenting fate. Just, it's no use fretting over something that can't be helped. Don't you think so."
"Kuh... You might be fine with that... But I'm not strong like you!"
I'm not a human who can be easygoing like that about things I know have no hope! He made a quite awkward face.
"Well... I said various threatening things, but. I think the journey is not all bad things."
Ah. Certainly not all bad things. If I hadn't gone to another world, I wouldn't have met everyone. But, that and this are different stories.
"That might be true! But, it's too much! This is terrible...!"
Tears don't stop. Perhaps he couldn't watch me looking down and sobbing. Thomas squatted down and matched his eyes with mine. He speaks with a powerful voice.
"Listen. You can stay crying so listen! In short, it's a matter of perspective. Certainly, as a fact, it's an endless journey. Eventually, we get exhausted and become useless, but still we aren't allowed to rest. Me and you too. In that sense, it's certainly bleak ahead."
Right! I can't endure such a torture-like life.
"But. No matter what lies ahead, you can enjoy the process."
Process. Can enjoy.
I was suddenly struck by those words. Looking up, a bearded old man who doesn't suit such cool lines no matter what was reflected in front of me.
"We FabLs all try to have a purpose in life (Ikigai)."
"Purpose in life..."
"That's right. For example, I make it my purpose to view the world as a bystander. Speaking of guys you know, Lenks makes fellowship with other FabLs his purpose. Ena makes saving guys scheduled to become FabLs from this fate her purpose."
"......"
"Like that, find something that becomes your core. If you do, you can keep from losing yourself for quite a long time. Besides, meeting comrades like this occasionally. That kind of thing is weird, but surprisingly fun."
"......"
"What. Body dying and heart dying slowly. Only that is different from normal."
I was startled. I thought it was exactly as he said.
Thinking only about the cruel future of FabL, I had completely despaired. But thinking carefully, normal life is the same. Looking only at the result, eventually one dies. Nothing remains behind. That is, in a sense, nothing but despair.
And yet, why don't we become pessimistic more than necessary? Isn't it because the process of living is life? Finding a purpose in life, and enjoying the process.
I realized that in that respect, there is no change in what to do between normal life and FabL life. The difference is whether life ends eventually. Or never ends.
And as he says, normal humans die physically before their hearts die, and FabLs die in heart before their bodies die. Just that. Just reversed.
Although I think that difference is extremely large. Although the fact doesn't change and it's painful. Still, I wiped my tears and stood up. I could have just a little hope. For now, that was enough.
"Oh, seems you stopped crying!"
"I'm sorry. For getting upset..."
"Can't be helped. But, you should have a purpose in life too. About Will. Unlike other guys, he couldn't have a purpose no matter what."
"Is that so?"
"Ah. He used to be a purer guy in the past. A pleasant guy. Living rooted in the world like you. Using powerful abilities to help people of that world."
"That Will...?"
Unbelievable. That he had such a period.
"But, too long a journey made him weird. I don't know when he became like that. Just because he was pure, the reaction was big. He became... a Destroyer."
I felt like I understood the reason for Will's completely cold eyes. Was he such a sad existence who wore out his heart and broke?
"He hates humans with normal emotions who live and die normally. And above all, he hates the Star-Pulse itself. But even that feeling of hate has worn out in the long time, and it's helpless."
"He..."
"He doesn't even know where to vent such unmanageable emotions. He has nothing to do but play with the world and other FabLs, boring toys for him..."
Saying so, he had lonely eyes.
"So, I think he's a big idiot, but. I can understand his feelings too."
Listening to the story, I had sympathized with him too. I didn't think the day would come when I would direct such emotions at him. Just, I can sympathize, but I also think I can absolutely never forgive what he is doing.
Thomas stared straight at me and said.
"Yu. How do you live as a FabL. How do you want to live."
That question was too difficult to answer yet.
"I don't know... I just heard such a story."
"Well that's true too. It's fine to take your time to find that answer. Otherwise, you might become like him someday. Because you and the old him are a little similar."
Similar? Me and him...? I was curious about how we are similar, but before I could ask about that, he ended the conversation.
"Alright! It became long! The talk ends here! I'll return to being a bystander again!"
"Thank you very much... for teaching me various things."
Including the feeling of apology for getting upset and being rude, I bowed deeply to him. He didn't seem to care much.
"Ou! I'm thinking of going to the neighboring country now. We probably won't meet in this world anymore. Let's meet somewhere again someday!"
When he made a sign, that floating sensation occurred again.
When I realized, I was standing alone in front of the Coliseum. Except for the time passed, the appearance of the surroundings hasn't changed at all. Thomas's figure was nowhere either. I even remember an illusion as if the talk over there was a dream.
Huh, my hand—. The hand that should have been tattered from punching the ground so much was completely healed before I knew it. Did he heal me when he sent me flying?
Thomas Graver. I thought he was a strong person. Ability too, but I thought his heart was strong. I wonder if the day will come when I can become strong like him.
I learned the fate of FabL. Too cruel a truth. From now on, what to live for is a difficult problem.
I feel like there are still many things I can't see, and honestly, there was also the fact that I didn't feel real because I was just told. So, I didn't know what to do at all yet.
But as Thomas said, I thought I should think about my purpose in life slowly from now on.
After all, time is eternal—.
I felt a dark emotion similar to self-mockery welling up inside me.
...For now, let's do what I can. While being wary of the dangerous factor he left, spend time striving for Qi and magic training as before. That is the best I can do now. Training is not for me to live strongly this time. Since I won't die anyway. No, I do die, was it. I want as much power as possible for when something happens involving him.
I thought so.
What. In the end, what I do doesn't change much. That's right. Even knowing fate, that is far ahead. Because the me here now hasn't changed.
Let's go. The Magic Combat preliminary is waiting in the afternoon. I have to eat soon.
I started walking while looking down.