Chapter 16

  My eyes opened to a translucent miasmic canine taking up the entirety of my field of vision. Dalos stood with his back paws on my chest and his front paws propped on my face. His long tendril of a tongue licked happily from my mouth to the tip of my nose. It would have been adorable except...

  "Goddammit, Dalos! I really hope you brushed your teeth after you went to town on that pool of Shambler juice..." I gently but urgently lifted him off my face and sat him on the floor next to me.

  Sitting up, I looked around the room. I had been resting on an unfamiliar couch in what appeared to be some sort of high end green room. At the sound of my voice, Rhett rushed over to me. Joan sat in the corner of the room on a chair, but responded much less enthusiastically to my regained consciousness. Perhaps she was getting tired of me ending every fight by taking an involuntary nap. Regardless, I was just happy to see she was up and about after nearly being sucked into Dimension X by Shambler Krang.

  "I thought it was ugly when I got my ass kicked, but bro..." Rhett laughed. "And what was up with all that nerd talk at the end?"

  As he teased me about the end of the fight, I took the opportunity to pat myself down to check for injuries. In a past life, I used to do the Phone, Keys, Wallet pat down every few minutes because I was convinced I'd lose one of the three important items I kept on my person at all times. This version was a little different, but served a similar purpose.

  After verifying all of my intestines were still in their designated location, I breathed a sigh of relief. My nap must not have been very long because my wound wasn't close to being completely healed. I still had some nasty scratches, but from what I could tell, my muscles had mended themselves. Sadly, my favorite shirt hadn't been so lucky.

  "Where are we?" I asked, choosing not to respond to Rhett's attempt to troll me.

  "It's a room set aside for VIPs." Joan unenthusiastically chimed in. "That bartender brought us back here after the fight. Oh! That reminds me..."

  She tossed a wadded up cloth item across the room. It unfolded in the air and landed on me as a sort of funeral shroud over my face.

  "What's this?" I asked as I pulled the black cloth off my face in order to inspect it. As I unfolded it completely, the item took shape. It was a black t-shirt with white lettering that read I Survived the Icosagon and All I Got Was This Crummy Shirt.

  "I couldn't really understand the bartender's language, but I think that's our prize for winning." She smirked, clearly enjoying the idea of me having to wear the cheap novelty tee to replace my shredded awesome novelty tee.

  Joke's on her. I unironically loved the shirt.

  "Wait, does that mean got a shirt instead of getting to talk to that boss guy?" My eyes opened wide as I assumed the worst.

  "No clue." She shrugged. "I can't speak their language."

  Suspiciously timed with the conclusion of Joan's statement, the door opened revealing who I assumed was Rufus. I couldn't really tell the Voormis apart. They all looked the same to me, and I was concerned what that said about me as a self-proclaimed open-minded individual.

  "That was some show." The nicely dressed Voormi literally barked at me. "That Tidalos pup of yours is a fan favorite. Any chance we can arrange to keep him on the roster?"

  At risk of getting more Shambler gore applied to my face via tendril-tongue, I promptly snatched Dalos off the ground and protected him from Rufus.

  "Dalos isn't for sale." I had enough trouble reading human eyes, but since Voormis had black beady eyes, I had no clue if Rufus was being serious. I wasn't about to humor him, just in case.

  "Alright, alright." He raised his hands in surrender, making odd yipping noises that must have been the Voormi equivalent of sardonic laughter. "Anyway, I've got a bar to get back to, so I should get straight to the point. You still want to meet with the boss?"

  I looked between Joan and Rhett to see their reactions before remembering that they had no clue what we were saying. Honestly, I didn't care about Rhett's opinion on the issue because his position in the party was more like an intern than a full fledged member with privileges. Depending on how good that jerky in my pocket tasted, I might be inclined to promote him to the position of Executive Intern... Same lack of privileges, but with a fancy title.

  "That was the only reason we fought in that stupid match. It would be pretty dumb if we changed our minds at this point." I answered. "So are you going to take us there right now?"

  "In a minute." Rufus met my eagerness with a frustrating delay. "First, there are some ground rules. The boss is very particular."

  "Yeah, fine..." I scowled. We'd done everything that had been asked of us, and more stipulations were being added. I wondered if it was possible that there had never actually been a plan for us to be able to meet with this boss. Clearly, Joan and I were supposed to be killed in the last fight, so maybe this was just stalling for time while that god set stuff up for our meeting... Or maybe I was just being too cynical because of my obvious bias against that god.

  "Only one of you will be able to go into Boss' office." He looked between Joan and I, not really giving any thought to Rhett. "That includes your dog, so if you go in, he'll have to wait outside."

  "There's no point in fighting that rule?" I asked, unable to hide my furrowed brow. I wasn't sure if Voormis could read human expressions any better than I could read theirs, but I wasn't trying to get on his bad side.

  "Even the staff are only allowed to speak with the boss one at a time." He shrugged aside my attempt to negotiate. "The second rule is that you are to keep your distance from them... That rule is more for your safety than anything else."

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  "Uh huh..." I responded skeptically. I had a bad feeling about where this upcoming meeting would be going. "Mind if I ask something? You keep calling them the boss, but do they have a name?"

  "My apologies. Where are my manners?" He responded in between his weird bark-laugh-things. "The Boss is known by many names. The Sleeper of N'kai is one of them, but here under their employ at Hyperborea, we refer to them by the name Tsathoggua, one of the exhaulted Old Ones."

  Tsathoggua? I wasn't familiar with the name, but from the description, it sounded like one of us would be facing an eldritch deity one-on-one. If I was the lucky one, it would be the third deity I've faced since getting dragged into this mess. I held up a finger to Rufus to pause our conversation before turning to my own personal Lovecraftian compendium, Joan.

  "Joan, what do you know about Tatsugula?" I asked.

  "I assume you mean Tsathoggua?" She corrected me, trying to hide her nerves. "They are one of the most featured deities in Lovecraft's works. Lovecraft first used them in the 1930 story The Whisperer in Darkness. They are usually described as sleeping and never leaving their chambers."

  "They're a NEET, eh?" I felt an odd connection to this deity. I'd struggled with being a shut-in myself, so this must be the eldritch god of social anxiety. That would make sense why only one person could enter their office at a time.

  "I mean... I guess you could say that?" Joan responded with bewilderment. "I mean there are other things about them... They are a shapeshifter, for one. Depending on the author, Tsathoggua's normal form would be different. Lovecraft wrote them as being something like a big toad. They are the deity of the Voormis, so it makes sense Tsathoggua would be their boss."

  "Alright, I got the gist of what Choochoomunga is." I turned back to Rufus. "Any more rules?"

  "Could you please refrain from mispronouncing the name of our boss? Such a mistake in Tsathoggua's presence would likely not end well." Rufus frowned, or at least I assumed that's what they were doing. Everything just kind of looked like a toothy snarl to me. "The only other rule is that the doors will remain locked until the meeting is concluded. Once you enter, you will not be allowed to leave until Tsathoggua dismisses you."

  These rules surrounding Sachimagnua were raising more red flags than a yandere love interest. The entire thing reeked of yet another trap.

  "I understand." I answered, not actually understanding anything other than the impending sense of danger. "Do you mind giving me a moment to discuss everything with my friends? We'll let you know who will be going to meet with Tsa... Cha..."

  "Tsathoggua..." They corrected me. "Feel free. I'll be right here."

  I nearly objected to Rufus staying in the room, but I remembered that he couldn't understand us when we talked. That reminded me...

  "Hey Rufus, one quick question! Does your boss speak English?" Depending on the answer, it wouldn't even be worth a discussion about who would enter. I'd literally be the only option.

  "Tsathoggua speaks all languages." I had to assume Rufus grinned proudly in his response. Chumbawumba being a polyglot definitely took me off the hot seat. I'd still be a candidate to be chosen to go into the office, but at least it was a choice. I was proud of myself for remembering the word polyglot, although omnilingual sounded more godlike, so maybe I should have used that term instead. Either way, I tipped my hat to Capybaragua for learning more than one language... In my past life, I only spoke English, 1337, and enough Japanese to let Japanese people know they should give me a wide berth because I would be annoying and unintentionally offensive.

  "So, Rufus says only one of us can go in to meet with Tachycardia." I turned to Joan. "Supposedly they used the shit out of Rosetta Stone because they can speak English and a bunch of other languages. So there won't be a language barrier no matter who we choose to go in there."

  "You should go." Joan said bluntly. It was less of a suggestion, and more of the final word in an argument that had never started.

  "O...kay..." She caught me off guard. I wasn't against being the one to go, in fact, I was planning on volunteering if Joan didn't outright say she wanted to do it. Still, her immediate conclusion put me on edge. This would have been a great time for my evolved Read the Room to give me some context to her response. "I'm fine with that, but why are you so certain it should be me? Didn't you punish me last time I was alone with a deity?"

  "I trust you." She replied before cryptically adding, "You have what's needed to talk to them. I don't."

  What was that supposed to mean?!

  "I'll be the one going." I turned back to Rufus. His face radiated respect... That was a lie, his face still looked like a disgruntled snarl, but it made me feel better if I thought Rufus respected me.

  "Very well." He opened the door to the VIP room and gestured for me to follow. "This way."

  I turned to Joan and Rhett, trying to look brave. Based on Rhett's reaction, I didn't pull off brave very well. It was probably more of a trying not to shit my pants from fear kind of look. As I exited the room I made sure to raise an obvious death flag for myself. "Wish me luck."

  Dalos tagged along at my heel, but I knelt and patted him on the head.

  "Protect Joan for me, okay?" His yellow eyes searched mine with concern as I stood and followed Rufus.

  The VIP room was one of a dozen rooms in a long hallway. It was the closest room to massive speakeasy space. We turned the opposite direction, heading down the poorly lit corridor. Why did these hallways always have that one light that flickered? Every single horror movie I'd ever seen had the flickering-corridor-light.

  At the end of the hall was a massive double-door. The closer I walked to it, the larger it seemed to grow. It was the opposite of that scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory where an optical illusion made a hallway look normal, but it actually just narrowed to a tiny door. Anyway... These doors were friggin' huge!

  "I wait here." Rufus said as he struggled to open one of the massive doors.

  As the door opened, I was met with almost total darkness. I looked to Rufus to see if this was normal, and he nodded, silently waving me inside. I trusted the safety of this office even less than I trusted the Limp Bizkit song I downloaded from Lime Wire in middle school wasn't giving my family computer digital HIV.

  I tentatively inched into the room. The sound of the giant door locking behind me marked the moment of no return. At this point, I had nowhere to go but forward.

  What I initially observed as darkness was actually a mixture of a poorly lit room and a fog of miasma. The space was large enough that the fog obscured the walls and ceiling. The floor felt like some sort of tile or stone surface. At the epicenter of the miasmic fog was a massive rotund figure slumped in a black throne. As I neared the figure, it almost looked kind of like if you mixed Marlon Brando from The Godfather, Jabba the Hutt, a toad, and a gargoyle.

  Its face had oddly human features aside from its lack of nose, ears, and giant mouth. Okay, maybe it wasn't very human-like... But it was kind of like those pictures of cats that looked like Ron Perlman... It obviously looked like a cat, but for some reason it also looked like Ron Perlman. This sleeping eldritch deity's face looked like a toad that looked like Marlon Brando from The Godfather. That was the best way I could describe it.

  The rest of its body gave off a slimy sheen that made me very glad that I wasn't allowed to get close enough to touch it. The way it slouched in the chair almost seemed like the looming stillness of a gargoyle that regularly ate entire McDonalds Dinner Boxes by themself.

  From a distance that I deemed to be safe enough, I cleared my throat and steeled my nerves.

  "Excuse me..." I started before immediately realizing that my failure in speaking its name might result in my demise, "Bossman... Err... Boss-god?"

  I was met with silence.

  "Sorry to disturb you, your toad-liness..." I said louder. Toadliness? Really?! Did I want to die?! "I was hoping to speak with you. I promise I won't take up much of your time."

  A loud deep groan shook the entire room. A pair of glowing red eyes opened, immediately fixed on my brave-and-totally-not-shaking-with-terror body.

  "Mortal, you disturbed my slumber." It sounded just like you'd expect a giant toad deity would sound after being woken up from a nap by a stranger. "You must be aware of the price for waking me?"

  "A price?" I asked, the feeling of dread turning into a very clear reality.

  "You interrupted my slumber, so I demand a human sacrifice. I am quite hungry." It said in a growl-croak voice. I'd have spent more time describing the nuances of the timbre of its voice, but I was too busy freaking out.

  "Sacrifice?!" My voice definitely came out brave and not and all like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo when he is about ready to do one of those chase scenes with that hallway filled with a bunch of doors.

  "If you have none, then I will just accept you as the sacrifice." Its arm stretched from its throne in my direction.

  Like an idiot, I searched my shorts pockets as if I somehow had a human sacrifice in one of them that I'd forgotten about. What could I say? I wasn't really in the most lucid state of mind at that moment.

  My fingers wrapped around the only object occupying my pocket, and I desperately extended it to the terrifyingly gluttonous deity. To make it look more appealing, I plucked a piece of lint off of it before meeting the deity's eyes with as much confidence as I could muster.

  "Jerky?" I offered.