Toshie died on the toilet.

  She doesn't know this, of course. She's dead.

  Toshie couldn't tell you what had happened if you asked. The night before was a regur Friday night with the girls. She went out for beer and chicken wings. She had a few more beers than usual, but Toshie figured that wouldn't hurt. She wasn't driving. After a fun but unexciting night, her friends dropped her off at home. She stumbled inside, said goodnight to her mother, and flopped on her bed. She woke up at one. Or was it two? She wasn't sure. But she had a weird feeling in her gut. She walked to the bathroom, opened the door, and sat to take a shit. Then she died.

  Toshie's mother found her body when she went to the bathroom. She did what she could. She called an ambunce. She performed CPR.

  Toshie was dead.

  Her mother had a funeral for Toshie. She could only afford a small affair. Toshie had lived with her widowed mother. Toshie was also single. Never married, no kids. She had been a thirty-seven-year-old woman. She used to say her mother lived with her. That made her ugh. Sometimes, her friends ughed at the joke, too. Less so by the hundredth time, but they ughed. Now, her friends, the few she had, gathered at her funeral. They wanted to hear her ugh again, even at that stupid joke.

  "Some people said we gave her an old woman's name," Toshie's mother said during the eulogy. "I can only pray we didn't curse her to leave us in her prime."

  If you want to be specific about contracts, Toshie's mother did live with her. But Toshie's mother isn't the main character of this story. (Her name is Deborah, if you care.) Toshie's mother returned home to an empty apartment filled with her daughter's things. Each one was a reminder of what had been. She didn't know what to do with them. She didn't know what to do at all.

  Toshie opened her eyes.

  A bright blue sky and an even brighter yellow sun stared back at her.

  She was lying in a field of tall grass. Why was she lying in a field? Had she drank too much? She went to the bathroom, and… It was night, and now it was day. She reached for her phone. It wasn’t there. Her phone, her pocket, her pants, and even her hand. They weren’t there. There was only nothing. She both was and wasn’t where she was. Was she dead? Had she died on the damn toilet? Was this Heaven? Hell? That pce between? What was the word? She racked her brain. Purgatory! That’s it! This must be Purgatory. Except why was she staring at the sun?

  The sun was staring back at her. It winked.

  “Hello there, young dy!” the sun said. It was a jolly and warm voice. “What is your name?”

  Toshie stared at the sun in disbelief. The sun couldn’t be talking to her. This was a dream. It had to be a dream. But she couldn’t wake herself. Was she actually dead? Was the sun God? Oh, fuck. She should have believed in God. But which one? Was there a Sun God?

  The Sun coughed. “What is your name?”

  “Uh, what?” Toshie managed to mumble.

  “Well met, Uh-What!” the sun said.

  “No, no, no. My name is Toshie,” she said. Or mentally projected? It was like she didn’t have lips and was still making sounds. She must have drunk more than she remembered.

  “Thank you for crifying,” the Sun said. “Sorry, I am so, so busy. You have been asleep far too long, and my to-do list is about to overflow. Now, do you have any preference for your css?”

  “Css?”

  “Yes, css! The thing that will decide your fate! I know what you may be thinking. Women are often made to be Priests, Wizards, or Dancers. But, as the distributor of csses, I say you can choose! Why not? I am neither a man nor a woman! I am the Sun! One of your kind once told me that rules are meant to be broken. I thought that was clever. You see, I am not merely the Sun but the greeter of those to the nd of…”

  Toshie tilted her… Head? Body? Spirit? She wasn’t sure. She looked around her. In the distance was an old medieval town. To what she’d guess was the east, there was a forest. In the far distance, there was what looked like a mountain with a dark cloud around its peak.

  ‘Oh, tap-dancing Christ on a cracker. Is this… What was that genre Jess kept trying to get me to read? Isekai?’

  Toshie looked at the talking Sun. “Is this an Isekai?”

  The Sun ignored her. “…and that’s when I said since I get to give the powers, I don’t have to follow your archaic rules. Yes, the Orbs need protecting, but we need Bakers and Coopers as much as we need a Hero!”

  “Hero?” Toshie asked.

  “Hero? Let me see… Yes, I have an opening for Hero! Few are bold enough to choose to be the Hero. It’s dangerous. You’ll have a big target on your back! But we’ve been expecting a Hero. And here you are. Good luck!”

  The Sun’s face disappeared.

  Toshie continued to stare at the sun until her eyes hurt.

  She groaned as she wiped her face with what was now a gloved hand. She had a hand again! Wait, when didn’t she have a hand? She put both of them in front of her face and stretched out her fingers like she was doing it for the first time. She stood, but her body moved as if she was stuck in getin.

  Toshie noticed she was now wearing a purple tunic, a matching skirt, and yellow tights. A brown leather belt fit snugly, a bit too snugly, around her waist. As she adjusted the belt, she noticed a sword attached to her hip and a ratty wooden shield hanging off her left arm.

  “I guess the Sun wouldn’t know I’m left-handed.” After fumbling with the gear for a minute, she threw it to the ground.

  “What the hell am I doing? This can’t be real.”

  She looked around again. The town wasn’t too far away and seemed a better choice than the forest or the mountain.

  ‘Dream or not, I have to do something, right? Fortune favors the, oh fuck.’ She realized she was repeating those tacky quotes her mother had pstered all over their home. She readjusted the belt, picked up the gear, and headed to the town.

  When she was some distance (Toshie was never good at estimating) away from the town, the ground beneath her shook. Toshie turned around as a walrus ran in her direction. A bright pink walrus. With great big tusks. Tusks bigger than her arms. Something in her brain told her it was time to fight.

  But could she kill a living thing?

  Toshie had always said she was a vegetarian. Okay, sometimes she ate fish. And sometimes chicken. And hamburgers when she was in the mood. Toshie had never been a good vegetarian, but she tried to eat like a healthy person should. She didn’t have time to work out. She was a busy banker and…

  The pink beast lunged at her. Toshie dodged and drew her sword. She regained her bance and prepared for the next attack. It snarled and leaped at her. As she was about to swing her sword, a lightning bolt struck the beast. A shower of blood and guts rained around her.

  “So, are you the supposed Hero?” Toshie turned around. A robed figure approached her. She nodded.

  “Thanks. Not sure I could have handled that by myself.”

  “It is obvious to anyone with an ounce of intelligence you could not have,” the man said. “Lo, it has been told unto me that thou, of all the possible beings, took the only role of Hero avaible. What an absolute waste.”

  “Uh, sorry, who are you?” Toshie was even more confused by the appearance of this sudden ass than speaking with the Sun.

  The man (‘Maybe man-child is more appropriate,’ Toshie thought.) sighed. “We have been chosen, don’t you realize? We are the chosen few here to fight for peace, glory, and justice. This is the world of Vara Elma! Home to the Orbs of Destiny! You took the Hero role that I was sent here to cim!”

  Toshie blinked.

  “They call me Daedalus, and 'twas my destiny to save this world.” He took a step toward Toshie but had not noticed the pile of shit he was about to step in. As soon as he did, he went ass-over-teakettle, and Toshie ughed. She jogged over to give him a hand, but he pushed her away.

  “Mock me not, Fake Hero! You bsted wench! The role thou hast stolen shall be bestowed upon me once my exquisite wit and prowess are proved in battle!”

  Toshie didn’t want to kick a man while he was down, but, no, she wanted to kick this man while he was down. She sighed.

  “Look, you know what’s going on. I don’t. You can be the Hero. I don’t care. But I need you to help me figure this out.”

  Daedalus pulled himself to his feet. Toshie noticed a skinny, muscleless body beneath the robes.

  “Then hark! To the King of this continent! His royal highness shall set straight this catastrophe! You will pay! Oh, Fake Hero, thou shall pay!”

  Toshie stared at Daedalus. Now that she had a close look, she realized he was more of a boy. He couldn’t be more than some fantasy nerd stuck in the same situation. Still, he did seem to know a lot about this pce. As long as he didn’t try to kill her, he might be helpful.

  “King? I don’t see any castle,” Toshie said as she turned around, half expecting a castle to appear.

  “Fool!” Daedalus shouted. “Doest thou not know this is the Dwarven Kingdom of Unterstone?”

  Toshie continued to stare at him, half convinced she was in Hell.

  “Nope. No idea.” Toshie sighed. “Look. I’ll help you, and you help me. Deal?”

  “Ha! More tricks of yours, I am sure! You are already in my debt! For I syed that foul Pinkus that would have taken your pathetic life.”

  ‘Please don’t argue with him, Toshie. You’re not going to win,’ she thought.

  “Hey, I had my sword out,” she said, breaking her promise to herself. Her heart was pounding. “Fine, whatever. I owe you.” She sheathed her sword. “We’ll go to this King, and you can become the Hero or whatever you want.”

  “As long as you draw breath, the Hero I cannot be. And yet to sy you would be to curse myself to the Darkness. Hark! But the good King Unterstone shall punish you for your crimes! Away now!” Daedalus poked Toshie in the stomach with his staff.

  Toshie sighed. No other reaction seemed worth the effort. She turned around and headed toward the town gate. Every few seconds, Daedalus’s staff poked her in the back.

  Daedalus babbled more nonsense to the guards as soon as they reached the gate. Orbs, Heroes, Wizards. All lost on her. Toshie was more interested in how short the guards were. They were less than half her height, and Toshie was not tall. They were, well, cute. They wore helmets with three horns on them. Their beards were as long as they were tall. They had bright blue eyes and tanned skin. Toshie wanted to take a picture. As she realized again she no longer had her phone, Daedalus whacked her in the arm with his staff.

  “Ow!” she screamed. “What the hell?”

  “Get going,” Daedalus demanded. “We have an audience with King Unterstone.”

  “Great, so let’s…” Another whack from the staff. “Hey! I’m going, I’m going!”

  Daedalus grinned at her. A shiver went down her spine. His teeth were not in great shape, and it was unclear when he had st bathed.

  One of the guards stepped forward.

  “I am Biscuit With Cheese,” he said. Or at least that is what Toshie heard. “It is my honor to lead the Great Hero and her Wizard to King Unterstone.”

  “She is not the Hero!” Daedalus yelled. “Foolish Dwarves, you understand nothing.”

  Biscuit ignored him, turned around, and waddled into town. Toshie already liked him more than Daedalus. Biscuit whistled as he walked, and this made Toshie smile.

  The town bustled with Dwarves shopping, talking, and doing everyday tasks. Biscuit nodded to everyone they passed.

  “Is that the Hero?” cried out one Dwarf.

  Toshie smiled and waved. Daedalus once again whacked her with his staff.

  ‘I’m going to shove that up his ass,’ Toshie thought. “How about you enjoy their kindness?” she asked instead.

  “They think you the Hero when…”

  “It should be you. Yeah, I know. Why are they speaking English?”

  “Ha, you truly know nothing,” Daedalus said and looked away from her.

  ‘As helpful as he is charming,’ Toshie thought as she waved at the cheering Dwarves.

  When they reached the end of the street, a giant stone door stood before them. Biscuit nodded to the guards standing before it, and they moved aside.

  “Through here, Great Hero,” Biscuit said.

  “Need some help with–” Toshie started to say as Biscuit pulled open the door with one hand.

  “Whoa, Biscuit! You’re…”

  “Just a normal Dwarf, you fool,” Daedalus mumbled at her.

  “Down this way,” Biscuit said, leading them down the stairs.

  They climbed down, down, down, and Toshie was gd the steps were not that steep. She had sprained her ankle st year on the one snowy day.

  “These boots feel amazing. How did the Sun know my size?” she asked out loud.

  Daedalus groaned, and Toshie immediately regretted saying anything.

  ‘Note to self,’ she thought. ‘Ask him fewer questions.’

  After about ten minutes, they reached another big door. Two more guards stood at the ready. ‘Damn, they’re adorable.’ Toshie smiled at them, and they smiled back. Biscuit gave a greeting, and they pulled open the door.

  Toshie gasped. Everything was gold. The walls, pilrs, floor, everything. Two thrones sat at the back of the room. Both seated Dwarves, one with a beard and one without. Their piercing blue eyes stuck out like little gems.

  Biscuit waddled toward them. “Presenting Toshie the Hero and Daedalus the Wizard! These two great warriors are here to help save Princess Tunasad!”

  Toshie looked over at Daedalus. The veins on his forehead were about to burst.

  “We are here to sort out this wench stealing the role of Hero from Daedalus the Great!”

  ‘No one has charm like a slighted man,’ Toshie thought.

  “Oh, great warriors.” Fat tears soaked into the king’s beard. “A fierce dragon captured my precious Tunasad! Please, I implore you to save her!”

  “It feels like they’re ignoring us,” Toshie whispered to Daedalus. He ignored her.

  “If I save the Princess, will you repay me by dealing with this False Hero?”

  “Oh, I would do anything to have my sweet Tunasad back home!” the King said.

  “Yes, but what about this false Hero?” Daedalus persisted.

  “Oh, I would do anything to have my sweet Tunasad back home!” the King repeated.

  Toshie blinked.

  “My dear warriors,” the Queen said as she stood. “As you can see, my husband is distraught by the disappearance of our beloved daughter. Please help us. As a reward, we will do whatever we can to assist you.”

  Daedalus groaned. “Fine, we shall accept the quest.”

  “We?” Toshie asked. “When did this become a ‘we’ thing?”

  “I am not letting you out of my sight until the role of Hero is mine.”

  Toshie sighed. The Queen and Daedalus droned on about some nonsense. Toshie took off her gloves and inspected her fingernails. They were clean and well-trimmed. The paint was all gone, but these were her fingernails. Wait. Didn’t she read that you can’t notice such details in a dream? She was even more confused about what was going on.

  “… so once our ‘Hero’ finishes pying with her fingernails, we can go.”

  Toshie looked up and noticed Daedalus, the King, and the Queen staring at her.

  “Oh, sorry.” She put her gloves back on. “Ready when you are.”

  As the day was already te, the King and Queen insisted the two stay the night in the castle. Biscuit led them to separate rooms. ‘Thank god,’ thought Toshie. Biscuit told Toshie they had prepared one of their most oversized beds for her. Even in the fetal position, it would be a tight, tight squeeze. Still, Toshie was happy to have a warm pce to sleep.

  Biscuit brought her a tiny towel and a bucket of hot water to wash with. The towel was softer than anything she had ever touched. As soon as she took off her tunic, she gasped. A long brown scar went across her stomach. She never had surgery. She never had this scar.

  She dipped the towel into the hot water and rubbed it across the scar. It did not wash away. It was as permanent as this new life. Toshie finished cleaning herself, wrapped herself in the bnket, and fell asleep.

  Toshie dreamt of her mother. The two of them had never been best friends, and her father’s passing had not helped. They got along. They needed to. But in this dream, Toshie and her mother enjoyed dinner at home, ughing as they ate. Her mother asked how ‘that boyfriend of hers’ was. ‘Mom, you met him like ten times and can’t remember his name? Anyway, he’s seeing someone else now.’ ‘That’s fine. I never liked What’s-His-Name, anyway.’ They ughed.