Judging by how this place looks from the outside, this is guaran-fucking-teed to be easier said than done. The palace is massive, and the room I’m in gives me no indication of where I am in relation to the tower Piper’s locked in. It’s just a dusty old pantry with a long wooden table and pots and pans hanging from the ceiling. There’s a door leading out that the servants must have taken so I head over to take the same one. But then a noise at the door I came in through halts me. It sounds like an animal clawing at it from the outside. In any other situation I wouldn’t give it a second thought but I have a feeling I know what’s making that sound.

  I crack the door open to peek outside and there’s Patches with his front paws propped up against the door. He must have given the soldiers the slip and then sniffed me out. He’s even better than a bloodhound. I don’t know how my already questionable stealthiness will be impacted by having an excitable, fire-breathing demon following me around but I’m not gonna leave the little guy outside by himself so I guess he’s coming with me.

  Patches and I slink our way out of the pantry and into the hallway. Well, he’s doing more of a waddle. His hind legs are just a little longer than his front ones and that silly bow-legged dodder of his really takes the intimidation factor down. Which just makes it all the more entertaining to see people’s reaction when they find out how utterly demented his power level is.

  The last time I was here I came in through the entrance hall, so I have no idea which way to go. My options are currently limited to left and right. I guess I’ll take a right and hope for the best. What could go wrong that hasn’t already happened several times already?

  I don’t know what’s noisier, Patches’ claws clicking against the floor or his near constant lip-smacking. And then it gets even better when halfway down the hall I hear a grumbly belch and see smoke billowing out of the corners of his mouth. “...Oh, for fuck’s sake. What did you eat this time?” He just licks his lips and keeps right on walking.

  We take a few turns and pass some wary-eyed servants but nothing I see looks familiar. I’m confident I’ll recognize the stairs that lead up to Piper’s room when I see them. I’ll just have to keep wandering until that happens. The problem though, is that five minutes after I start my search I’m right back at the pantry where I started. “What the fuck?” I twist my neck around to look back down the hall I came from and realize I just walked in a circle. And then I remember there’s a bigass staircase leading up to the palace’s main entrance. I must be on a lower level where the servants work.

  So I guess I’m looking for stairs now. I go around opening doors for a few minutes—pissing off more than one maidservant at varying levels of undress—until I eventually find a set. And walking down it is someone, or something I recognize. It’s about eight feet tall (nine if you include the horns) and is covered head to hoof in orange fur. It’s wearing almost as much armor as I am and it’s got Hellstorm strapped to its waist. This is the thing with the horns that ran off with Ulric’s weapon after we were caught trying to cross the border into Fornia. I assume it must be some minion of high regard in the Sorceress’s employ. Now that I’m seeing it in the light I recognize it for what it truly is. A minotaur is not something to trifle with and I don’t feel like getting gored today so I step aside and give it plenty of room to pass. It doesn’t pay me any mind at first, but then it decides it minds a lot when it sees my monster sidekick. I freeze when it looks down and glares at him, growling and snarling while Patches just lowers his ears and lets out a wimpy little bark in return.

  At first I think it’s going to stop but thank the local gods it just turns the corner and keeps on walking. Not sure what that was all about. Once the minotaur’s out of sight, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding and then make my way up the stairs and throw the door at the top open. And now the place looks familiar. I see the stained-glass windows, the red carpeting, the hanging tapestries. I even hear the music again, from stringed instruments in some mystery room down the hall. There’s more people up here, and these ones are actually dressed well. Prince Fuckface is leaning against a table with a big flowery centerpiece while he sips from a wine glass and entertains yet more aristocrats. In typical snob form, they’re all completely oblivious to anything outside their conversation, so Patches and I are able to make our way out of the entrance hall without a single one of them taking notice.

  It isn’t long before I find the spiral stairs that lead up to Piper’s room. It was a memorable day to say the least, and I remember every step I took through the palace to get there. As soon as I’ve spotted them, I take off in a jog and then clamber up the steps two at a time. I run up so fast I’m actually dizzy when I get to the door at the top. I teeter for a second before removing my helmet and gathering my composure. I think this moment calls for a solid entrance after everything that’s led up to it. But then I’m a little confused when I look down and realize the door isn’t even latched. I stare at it for a second before taking a deep breath, throwing the door open heroic knight-in-shining-armor-style, and…

  …she isn’t here.

  “God fucking dammit.” I knew it couldn’t be that easy. All of Piper’s stuff is here, but she isn’t. I sigh and step inside while Patches hops in behind me. Then I take a second to stare at the bed while memories flood my consciousness. Maybe more than a second. But I’m on a mission and I need to focus. I shake the memories loose from my head and then get back to the business at hand.

  The room looks mostly the same as it did the last time I was here. Except that now there’s a bunch of random junk attached to the walls. I look down at Patches and then back up at the junk. “...What do you make of this, Patches?” Stuck to the wall are a couple of books, a half-dozen candles, plates and silverware and even the chair I sat in when we had our visit. It’s attached to the wall by its feet. I grab onto the back of the chair and give it a tug but it doesn’t even budge. Whatever’s holding it to the wall has got one hell of a grip.

  Before leaving the room I take a quick glance out the window. The palace grounds are huge and there’s three other buildings I can see from this vantage point alone. I spot Heather wandering aimlessly around the property. And the stables I was supposed to take her to. There’s soldiers and servants and—“Shit!”

  I throw both hands onto the sill and lean forward when I spot Piper. She’s got a guard flanking her on either side and she’s walking through the most outrageously elaborate garden I’ve ever laid eyes on. It’s like a little village made of flowers and hedges and shit. Both of the guards are armed with spears that they each carry in one hand like walking sticks. The one on Piper’s left has a bunch of flowers stuck to his back that he seems wholly unaware of. Piper’s pointing at things in the garden and looks like she’s having a lively conversation with both of them. When the one with the floral arrangement attached to his backplate turns his head to look at something, Piper yanks another one out of the ground and sticks it to the guy's back along with the others.

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  I hear a fiery burp next to me and look down at Patches as a puff of smoke floats up into my face. Then I abandon the window and, after giving one last longing look at the bed, the demon and I make our way out and spiral our way back down the stairs.

  As soon as we get to the bottom, I throw my helmet back on and start frantically searching for a door that leads outside to the garden. But I don’t get far before realizing that Patches isn’t following me. I stop and whip my head around until I find him sniffing along the floor, walking in the opposite direction from where I'm headed. I whisper-shout through my helmet, “Patches! Patches, get over here!” His waddling upgrades to hopping, like he’s suddenly in a hurry. I yell his name again but he just keeps going the other way and I already know he’s not getting his treat for the day.

  I take off after him but he’s hard to keep up with when he’s on the prowl. Seems he’s got the scent of something big. I chase him down two hallways and up a flight of stairs before discovering what it is. In one of the rooms on the second floor, he’s hopped up onto a table that sits underneath a stained glass window at the far end. He’s already chewing the padlock on a chest in the center of the table. I get to the table just as he gnaws through the lock and knocks the chest sideways. The lid flies open and gold bullion spills out all over the table. Then before I can stop him, he shoves his snout into the gold and starts slurping the pieces up. “Those aren’t treats, Patches! Get the fuck out of there!” I grab his backside with both hands to drag him backwards off the table out but as soon as I’m pulling on him, he lets out a big burp and lights the drapes on fire. “Shit!” You’d think they’d soaked the things in kerosine, they light up so fast. The fire's already damn near to the ceiling by the time I manage to yank Patches off the table. I don’t know what to do so I just run out with him held out in my hands while the curtains blaze behind me.

  And of course I bump into a guard on my way out.

  She almost falls over when the two of us collide. “Hey!” Then she sees the fire. “What’s all this? What did you do?”

  I look into the room and then back at the guard while Patches kicks his nubby little legs to try and jump out of my grip. “I uh…well, it just…” Then when I can’t think of anything to say, I turn and run down the hall to get away from her as fast as I can. She yells something else but I’m already too far away to hear what it is.

  “Bad Patches! No gold for a week!” I sprint through the hall and down the stairs. Then I wind around the way we came until I make it into the entrance hall and run into the last fucking person in the world I want to see right now. The minotaur stops dead in its tracks. And I do the same. Then we just stare at each other. For an agonizing amount of time. Long enough to get awkward. So, all in all, I’d say this rescue mission is going about as well as I expected so far.

  While I’m standing there questioning every decision I’ve ever made that’s led me to this point, I hear a voice that snaps every fiber of my being to attention. I turn my head to the right and see Piper rounding a corner with the two guards from the garden. Neither of them looks amused with whatever it is she’s talking about. But she certainly does. She’s smiling and waving a bouquet of flowers around while they listen, stone-faced and silent. When she spots the minotaur and me in the middle of the hall, she stops talking mid-sentence and her smile turns inquisitive. Then she and the guards all halt to gape at us.

  After that, I hear another voice. From a person I forgot was in here. I have to turn my whole head to see him because of the stupid helmet. Prince Travis is still at the table with snobs, pointing at me with a big dumb grin on his face as he steps forward, yelling, “That’s the little devil there! He’s caught it! Well done, man!”

  “Uhhh…” I look down at Patches who’s still squirming around in my grip and then back up at the prince. Then before I get a chance to say anything, the helmet suddenly lifts off my head. The minotaur must have reached out and grabbed it.

  As soon as the prince sees my face, he drops his arm and his grin evaporates. Then I hear Piper let out the loudest gasp I’ve ever heard. The sound reverberates down every hall. I look over and see that she’s dropped the flowers and now has both hands cradling her cheeks with a slowly widening smile between them. So much for my big, knight-in-shining-armor moment. I guess this mess in the hall will have to do.

  I start to smile back but then I remember there’s a pissed off bull-monster staring me down. And it’s got my helmet. I glance back just as it crushes the helmet in its hand and sends it clanking off the stone floor. Then it reaches the same hand toward its waist to unstrap Hellstorm.

  This is one of those 'go with your gut' moments. No time to strategize or plan. Just fight, flight or freeze. Or the fourth option; give the demon in your hands a big squeeze on his belly and send a cloud of fire belching out—right into the minotaur’s face.

  As much as I like the little guy, I’m not risking my life carrying him all the way out of this place so as soon as the minotaur is engulfed, I drop Patches and take off on my own. He hops out of my way while the minotaur pats at its flaming fur to put the fire out and the two guards on either side of Piper are so stunned with everything they’re seeing they don’t even move. They just stand there staring while I barrel toward them. They must not know who I am.

  Piper immediately starts backing away between the guards when she sees me coming, butting each of them in the shoulder as she goes. She knows what’s about to happen. Just before I reach them, I draw my sword out and point it forward with both hands like a lance. I get the first guard straight through the neck before he even knows what’s happening. Then as fast as I can, I spin around and slide the blade out in the same motion that I use to swipe the other guard’s head off.

  The bodies tumble, the head goes rolling across the floor, and the prince’s guests can’t get out of the room fast enough. And neither can I. I grab Piper’s hand and drag her away from the minotaur, hoping like hell that I can find a way out before it catches up with us.

  We don’t get far before she lets go of my hand and says, “What about Mazi?”

  We turn the corner into a narrow hallway as I hand her the still-bloody sword. Then I pull the axe off my back to hold it with both hands while I run. Everyone in the hall sidesteps out of our way as we stampede through. I yell over at Piper, “Mazi’s on his own! We need to get the hell out of here!”

  She slides the sword into her waistband and yells back, “No! We’re not leaving him here! Give me that crossbow.”

  I drag the weapon off my shoulder and hand it over. “Look, I don’t even know how the fuck we’re getting out of here! There’s no way we’re going back for Mazi.”

  Then she does something I can’t fucking believe. She snatches a bolt out of the quiver on my back, stops in the middle of the hall to load the crossbow, and then turns to run back the other way. “Piper! Piper, what are you doing?!”

  She yells over her shoulder, “I’m going back to get Mazi!”